


hot and cold

by tigrin



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Consensual Underage Sex, Dubious Consent, Gender Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 22:07:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1527392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigrin/pseuds/tigrin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xion has lived her whole life as only a fragment of Roxas' mind. More than anything, she wants to know what it feels like to touch and be seen by another person. And a certain redhead will never know what hit him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hot and cold

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about five years ago for a bet against an old friend that I couldn't write something more explicit. I lost, but I got kind of attached to the idea of this AU. In this version of the story, Roxas and Sora are twins, and Roxas grows up bullied by Sora and constantly told he's "nobody". To survive, he splits off his emotions into the person that becomes Xion. Roxas loses the ability to feel emotions, but has control of the body; Xion can feel emotions, but is invisible to everyone but Roxas. This leads to a lot of conflict between the two of them as Axel enters into the mix with his interest in Roxas. I always wanted to expand this story, but never got around to it, so here is a bit of it.

"I want to know what it's like."

Her blue eyes narrow on mine, her eyebrows curved to form that distinctive crease between her eyes I've come to know so well.

"What what's like?" I ask, but I don't really want to know. I know what that look means already. It's the same look she gives me every time someone's gaze passes right through her.

"To feel."

For a moment I just stare at her. I don't understand. I haven't felt a thing since I was six years old. She knows that. What does she want from me? We're walking, and I quicken my pace. The winter air stings my cheeks, and I wrap the scarf tighter around my neck, burrowing my face in the collar of my coat. It's not like I can get away from her, though -- I glance to the side and she is right there beside me, same as always. "Xion, I thought you knew I can't... feel," I mutter into the scarf.

"I know that," she snorts. She crosses her arms and pouts her lips, clenching her eyes shut. I know this means irritated, annoyed... but I couldn't say I understand how it feels. Xion has always been the one who could feel. Not just annoyance, like when she and I argue... sadness, pain, fear... joy. I stare down at my feet moving in and out of view on the sidewalk.

I feel something tug at my hand. I look down and see her slender fingers twisting around my gloved fingers. Through the woolen glove I can only feel the slight pressure of her touch as he toys with my fingers.

"I mean, I want to know what this feels like," she says softly. She brushes her other hand against my cheek. "Is it cold?"

In that moment I understand. She may have emotions, but unlike me, she's never had a physical body. Except for a few (mercifully brief) occasions she has managed to seize control of mine, she has never known what is like to feel physical sensations -- touch, taste, smell.

She twists my hand, and I feel a stab of pain as my wrist strains. I snatch my hand back and shove it into my pocket. It didn't hurt so much as it surprised me. Xion's flares of frustration can sometimes be hard to deal with, but she never tries to hurt me. As I glance at her face, I can tell that her emotions are really eating away at her this time. There is something fiercely desperate in her eyes as she gazes at me. I feel something pull at my chest and burn in the pit of my stomach. I know that look. And I might be able to understand what fear feels like.

I remember then that we aren't alone. Walking not far ahead of us is a boy. He's tall, at least a head taller than either of us, and rail thin -- even with the heavy coat he is wearing. I can see his flame-red hair falling in messy spikes over his back. He's a Senior at our -- _my_ \-- school, and his name is Axel, but that is the most I really want to (or care) to know about him. He's not my friend. He used to bully me, trying to get a reaction. Since I finally started talking to him, he has picked on me less. He goes out of his way to find me in the halls and talk to me. He even walks me home, like he is today... though usually, like today, he keeps his distance.

I don't really understand him or what he wants. But Xion is interested in him. Her eyes are boring a hole in the back of his head. I look from her, to him, to her. She looks at me. And that sinking feeling grows.

We've stopped walking, and she is moving towards me. I step back. "Xion?" I say warily. She doesn't stop moving, just stares straight back into my eyes. No. I don't like this. I reach out to push her away, but she winds her way past my arms, until we're practically nose-to-nose, and her eyes are all I can see. She leans in, and I feel her eyelashes brush my cheeks as her lips settle on mine. There's a sharp tug on my sternum, and I feel myself being tugged back, back, back -- sucked back into a long, dark tunnel, with Xion on the other end. I just catch the smile on her lips before everything goes completely dark.

* * *

"Roxas?"

 

Stings. It stings, the cold. I can feel it prickling the skin on my face. It makes everything else feel so warm -- so unbearably warm. I sway and my eyesight spots with black.

Pressure. I blink and look up, and Axel is there, holding onto Roxas' arm -- no, _my_ arm. Those familiar jade eyes are looking back into mine -- looking at me! I almost faint again at just the thought. Wonderful. I never thought something so simple would feel so wonderful. In that moment all I know is that I never want him to look away. I want him to only look at me, forever.

"Roxas? You okay?" he says. I see steam puff out of his mouth when he speaks, and I can feel the warmth of his breath against my face. The scent of the spearmint gum he's chewing tingles in my nostrils.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," I manage to stammer. For a second I'm surprised to hear a different voice come out of my mouth -- deeper, slower than the one I'm used to. That's right -- to him, I am just Roxas. I look, sound just like him. He doesn't know about me. He doesn't really see me.

I want him to know. I want him to see me, and not Roxas.

I want to know him. I want to know what it's like to feel cold, and hot. I want to know what everything feels like. I want to know what _he_ feels like.

"You sure? You look a little pale," Axel says, oblivious to the flutter in my chest, the warmth of the blood coursing through my veins as I just stare back into his eyes. His eyelids flutter and he glances away -- I must have unnerved him. He lets go of my arm, and the emptiness of my skin where his hand was aches. My hand shoots out and grabs his. He looks back at me in surprise. "R-Roxas?" he stutters. It must be shock, because he doesn't try to take back his hand. Nothing -- I can't feel anything through these gloves, I can't feel his hand. I want to rip it off. I want it all off. I want to feel all of him.

My other hand is shaking as it reaches up to touch the side of his face. I can hear the hiss of his breath hitching as my gloved fingers stroke through his hair. His lips tremble and I know he is about to say something. I grasp the back of his head with my hand and pull, and his lips freeze as they meet mine.

For a moment nothing really happens. I realize I don't really know what to do next. I just know this aching feeling in my chest. His lips are cold, dry and cracked. Without thinking I try to smooth out the cracks with my tongue. The mint stings. The taste is new and exciting, and I press harder against his mouth, trying to coax his lips open. I can feel both of our breaths mingling together as they steam from our noses.

There's a startling chill as Axel shoves me away. He bats my hands away as if they were daggers. "Geezus! What the fuck are you doing?" he spits. I see his lips shining in the dim, overcast light. He scrubs furiously at them with the back of his hand.

I feel only slightly hurt. After all, he doesn't know I'm not Roxas. I move towards him, and he jerks away like a spooked horse. "Axel, I..." I start to say. I'm still not used to hearing that voice.

He holds up his hands to keep some space between us. I notice his face is almost as red as his hair and I can't help but smile. "Hey, I don't know what kind of impression you have of me, but I'm not a fucking fag, alright?" he snaps, then turns and begins to storm away.

For a moment I just stare at him. I roll my eyes and start after him. I have to take two steps for every one that he makes -- his legs are long, and he's in a hurry. "Axel, wait!" I cry. I can't help it -- I'm remembering the warmth of his breath and I can't let him walk away now. Axel breaks into a run and I dart after him. He may be taller, but I'm faster -- I barrel into him and we both go down in a tangle of limbs into the greenbelt. He cushions my fall and I have to clutch onto his coat to keep from tumbling off of him.

He groans and wipes dirt and old snow from his face. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" he cries, craning his head back to face me. I seize the opportunity and lean forward, pressing my lips to his again.

His eyes are wide with shock and frustration and I can't help but smirk. I nibble gently on his bottom lip, and when he opens his mouth to utter a protest, I slip my tongue inside. I can feel him stiffen under me as I feel for the gum he has pocketed in his cheek. Just barely he relaxes, and his tongue brushes mine tentatively, experimentally. It's wet, and warm, and the mint is stinging, and a younger part of me quips that this is gross, but I realize I want _more_ than this.

He pulls away, staring at me, his brows knitted in stupefied confusion, his cheeks red. There's something adorable about that look. I want to see just how far I can push it. I lean in close so that my lips just brush his ears. I know the locks of Roxas' golden blonde hair -- _my_ hair -- are tickling his nose.

"I know the reason you keep finding me," I speak softly into his ear. I savor the slight shiver of his body as my breath touches his ear. "I know the way you look at me." I kiss his ear, feeling the chill of his skin. The sensation fills me with a fresh ache, and my hands start to roam, pushing aside his coat to wrap around his body. He is shivering, and I don't know if it's from the snow, or the way my hands are reaching down, down towards his waist.

He sits up and takes hold of my arms, pushing me away. I slide off of him. The deep flush of his skin, and the way his eyes drift anxiously off to the side, are all I need to let me know that I don't need to fight to get back my arms. "Roxas... I..." he starts, then seems to think better of it. He sighs and pushes himself off the ground, brushing the snow from his coat, leaving me sitting in the dirt gazing up at him. He hesitates and holds out a hand. "Not here, okay?" he says, so faint it is almost a whisper. "Let me take you home, at least, alright?"

There is a drifting, high-pitched tone in my ears. A frown twists my lips for a moment -- I know it's _him_ , screaming. I shake it off, try to ignore it as I reach out and grab Axel's hand, letting him pull me to my feet. Axel immediately drops my hand, but as he turns to walk again, and I fall into step at his side, he doesn't try to get ahead of me. Roxas can scream at me all he wants. But I'm not done yet.

* * *

 

When we get to Roxas' house, he just stands on the "Welcome" mat with his hand in his pocket, adjusting and readjusting the strap of his messenger bag on his shoulder with the other. He is avoiding looking me in the face, his gaze darting around to take in the house number, the doorbell, the windows. I lean against the doorframe, watching him.

"Well? Are you gonna come in?" I ask, because he's got to run out of things to look at soon enough.

His eyes dart briefly down to mine. "Uh..." He cranes his head to look back at the sidewalk and takes a deep breath. "Yeah... yeah, sure." I lean back against the door, swinging it open. He steps over the threshold and I close the door behind him.

Again he just stands there, looking around. By now I'm used to Roxas' house -- the plush furniture and clean, contemporary style his parents favor, though I rarely see them. In the silence I can only hear the ticking of a clock on the mantle above the fireplace, and I know we are the only ones home. Sora -- Roxas' twin brother -- must be out with his friends. For the first time I find myself feeling grateful that he goes out of his way to avoid Roxas.

It's much warmer inside than out, and the extra clothing that felt so soft and comfortable now feels stifling. I rip the boots off my feet and peel off the gloves and scarf, tossing them onto the couch. The movement startles Axel out of his inspection of the living room. I'm in the middle of taking off my coat, and I pause. His face is pale from the cold, but a blush of color is returning to his cheeks as he watches me shrug the coat from my arms and toss it next to the scarf. He blinks and looks away, busying himself with the buttons on his coat, avoiding my gaze. I stare at his fingers on the buttons, and I start to feel irritated.

"Need some help?" I ask, reaching for his coat. He jerks away.

"I got it!" he snaps, and struggles to pull off the coat before realizing it's still pinned under the strap of his messenger bag. I roll my eyes and pull the bag from his shoulder and off his arm before he can protest, hefting it onto my shoulder.

"Come on, my room's upstairs," I say, turning and walking to the stairs. I figure he won't want to be left behind, and it's no surprise to hear him hurrying after me, his socked feet muffled slightly on the wooden steps.

"So this is your house, huh?" I hear Axel say behind me. "It's nice. I live in an apartment, it's a real dump."

I don't say anything. I can tell he is fishing for something, anything to talk about. At the top of the stairs I turn a corner, leading Axel to Roxas' bedroom.

Like the rest of the house, his room is cozy and plain. He keeps it almost meticulously neat. There is not much furniture, just a desk and chair, a bookcase, and a bed set horizontally along the wall under the window. There are pretty much no decorations -- Roxas doesn't really take interest in anything, so there are no posters or photographs or knick-knacks. I hate this room. Except to go to school, Roxas rarely leaves it, which means I get stuck here a _lot_. I toss the bag in the corner and collapse on the bed, and Axel goes to the desk and sits backwards in the chair, leaning his arms over the back and swiveling the seat. I watch him look around the room. He's avoiding me again.

We sit in awkward silence for a moment as I stare at him. With the coat off he looks almost painfully thin. He's wearing the school's winter uniform -- a gray sweater-vest, white collared shirt, tie, and slacks. The tie and slacks have a subtle plaid pattern in shades of steel blue, and even that subdued hue clashes horribly with his hair. He's rolled up the sleeves of his shirt so they crinkle above his elbows, and I can see his muscles shift as he leans against the back of the chair.

Finally Axel seems to tire of what little there is to look at in that boring room, and fixes his gaze on me. "Are you feeling okay?" he says. "You've been acting kind of... weird. Even for you."

I lean back against the window, for a moment just savoring his eyes looking back into mine. "Axel... have you ever done it with a girl?" I ask.

Whatever he had been expecting me to say, it clearly wasn't this. His arm slips and he almost tumbles out of the chair. He fights to regain his composure. "What? Uh..." Axel looks away, staring at the door to the closet. "Well, once. At a party, with this chick named Larxene. She was a real bitch, though." He looks back to me. "What about you?"

I shake my head. "What did you do with her?"

At this Axel really does slip out of the chair, and he scrambles to hold on to the desk before he hits the floor. He pushes himself back in the chair and stares hard at me. I can see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallows. "Uh... well... we..." He bites his lips and his cheeks flare like Christmas lights. I can tell he's really struggling not to follow this train of thought. I push myself away from the window and my feet hit the floor. "W-why do you want to know?"

"Oh... no reason," I say. I guess I will just have to find out for myself. I push myself off the bed and move towards him. The wheels of the chair screech against the hardwood floor as he tries to push himself away. His back hits the desk and I lean over him, Roxas' hair falling into my eyes. I brush my hands over his shoulders, feeling the coarse weave of the sweater and the starch of the shirt under my fingers. My hands settle on his arms, the warmth of his skin radiating into my palms. I can practically see the alarm bells go off in Axel's head as his green eyes widen. He opens his mouth to speak, and I swoop in, pressing my lips against his. His words become just a muffled squeak.

His lips are warm and dry. This time it only takes a slight touch of my tongue for him to open up to me. His mouth still has a lingering, stale taste of mint. I deepen the kiss, and I feel my breath catch in my chest as he kisses _back_. My face is burning, and my stomach is doing backflips. We fight for control, our breaths hissing against our cheeks. I can't kiss him hard enough -- it's not enough. I want all of him, want to taste all of him. He pulls away to catch his breath, and I kiss the side of his mouth, his cheek, his chin. I brush aside his hair and kiss his ear. My head dips to the crook of his neck. I can feel his pulse beating against my lips. I suck on his skin, and his heart beats a frantic staccato against my mouth. The sensation is overwhelming, and I suck hard, trying to take his heartbeat into me.

He flinches and squirms under my hands. "Roxas..." he hisses. "What are you..."

I move away from his neck, just barely catching sight of a deep red mark before I press my lips to his again. Whatever he wanted to say is lost as he returns my kiss fiercely. He wrestles his arms away from my grip and takes my head in his hands, pulling me closer to him. The back of the chair is between us and he swivels it out of the way, turning to stay focused on me.

By now my whole body is burning under my clothes, and I can feel my shirt sticking against my back. I press my hand to his chest, feeling it rise and fall in anxious gasps. I course my hands under his vest and shirt and feel his back against my fingers, cool sweat beading on warm skin. He stiffens and pulls me closer, so I am straddling his legs. My pants are starting to feel uncomfortably tight, and I can tell he feels the same way from the slight pressure against my thigh. I let my hands drift along the curves of his back to his waist, and sink under the band of his pants. He shudders and I trail my fingers lightly around his hips, tracing the peaks and valleys of his body, until my hands settle on the bulge in his slacks. I realize my hands are shaking as I struggle to undo the button and pull on the zipper.

The sound of the zipper startles Axel out of the kiss and he pulls back. His fingers clasp mine and push them away. "Hey... stop for a second, stop," he says softly. I struggle to get out of his grip -- I don't want to, have no intention of stopping. He leans his forehead against mine to try and distract me. "Are you... sure this is what you want?"

What I want is not to talk. Talking is not going to make him see me. All I ever do is talk, to Roxas. It's all I can do. Not this time. I nod my head. "Yes," I breathe. "P-please..."

Axel hesitates, and I seize that moment to break away from his hands. I tug on the legs of his pants, and he shifts slightly, letting me pull the pants down a bit at a time off of his thighs, until they are finally freed of his weight and pool around his feet. His erection pokes against the thin fabric of his boxers, and I run my hand over it. Axel's breath puffs on the top of my head and he pushes himself up ever so slightly so I can tug the boxers down as well.

It's nothing new to me -- Roxas is so used to my constant presence, he thinks nothing of being naked around me. The slight differences in the curl of Axel's hair, the pull of his skin, are what surprise me, make me want to explore. I pull the line of his shirt up his abdomen, dipping my head to press my lips to his skin. This gets an instant reaction; he shivers and his hands settle on my shoulders, curling into the fabric of my shirt. I trail kisses down his abdomen, delighting in each slight twist of his hips or twitch of his fingers on my shoulders. His skin is unexpectedly cool, and there is a stale musk of fabric. I sink my head lower and brush my lips against the swelling shaft, and I hear the pleasantly familiar hiss of Axel's breath as his fingers dig into my shirt. I remember the taste of his mouth, and the subtle beat of his heart in mine. I want to feel more.

I don't know what to do next, but Axel's reactions are telling me all I need to know. I try licking at the folds of his skin, pulled straight and thin as he grows harder. I trace the contours of it with my tongue, his pulse beating against me. I take him into my mouth a little and suck gently on his skin. Axel groans and squirms, twitching against my tongue. I slowly work my way up and down, exploring every inch of him until he is slick. I alternate between kissing him lightly and taking him into my mouth, reveling in how much stronger his reaction becomes every time I take him back inside. His hips are moving slightly back and forth, trying to follow me whenever I pull away. He is breathing loud and fast, and I can feel his thighs tightening under my hands. I can feel my own erection burning, and I move faster, taking him in a little deeper, trying to ignore the instinct to gag. I can feel something cool trickling into my mouth. Axel's fingers are digging so hard into my shoulders it's painful, but the sensation is lost in the heat of my body -- I can't think, can't focus on anything but him. I try moving further up, tonguing just behind the head, and I hear Axel give a choked cry. The sound is startling, but I want to hear more of it. I keep going, alternating between sucking and tonguing that spot -- moving a little faster, pressing a little harder. His thighs are tight and shaky under my hands, matching the rhythm of my movements. His muscles suddenly seize, and Axel gives a sharp jerk and a loud cry as something hot splashes against my tongue. Some of it flicks against the back of my throat and I pull back, coughing. I'm tempted to spit it out but I instinctively swallow. It's thick, and tastes both acridly bitter and slightly sweet. I have to swallow a few times to clear it out of my throat, but the taste lingers.

Axel is leaning against my shoulders, panting. He tilts my face to his and kisses me, and the taste of him mixes with the fading taste of mint. He pulls me to his chest and buries his face in my neck, kissing me. What I felt kissing him is nothing compared to the feel of his lips on my pulse. " _Roxas..._ " he breathes against my neck, and I can forgive him for saying the wrong name while he is focused on me, while his fingers caress my back. He seems happy, and being able to have this effect on someone is more than I could have ever imagined or hope for. It may be selfish, but I want even more -- more than just the taste and feel of him. I want him to become a part of me, inside of me.

His hair tickles my nose, and I lean my face against his cheek, relatively cool compared to mine. I clutch his back, searching for his shoulder blades under his vest. "Axel," I say, trying to get his attention. He is absorbed with massaging my neck with his tongue. He tilts his head slightly to acknowledge my voice. "That girl... could you... show me?"

I know this is not a coherent sentence, but Axel seems to understand. He pulls away and looks me in the eyes, and I feel the thrill of him seeing _me_. For a brief moment he looks a little confused, and hesitates.

"Are you sure?" he says, swallowing hard. "I don't want to... hurt you."

I can't imagine how anything he can do could possibly hurt. That ringing in my ears is back, and I try to ignore the nauseating sensation of Roxas fighting for control. Axel catches the grimace on my face as I struggle to stay present. He pushes me away gently and starts to get out of the chair, reaching for his boxers. I shake my head, the ringing now a high-pitched screech, and I reach for Axel, clutching myself to him. It gets him to stop moving away, at least. For a moment he just lets me hold onto him, trying to focus on the sound of his breathing instead of the screaming in my ear.

"I don't really get what's going on with you right now," he sighs. "But... if that's what you want..." I nod, and he leans down and kisses me on the forehead. I tilt my head and we kiss. He shifts and I follow blindly, until I bump into something solid and lose my balance, toppling sideways onto the bed. Axel leans over me, and dips down to continue the kiss. I stretch out against the sheets and pull him closer to me, so he has to climb up next to me. He breaks away and returns to kissing my neck, and I can feel his fingers playing across my shirt. They dip to the edges and pull up, exposing my stomach. This time it's my breath that catches as he slides down my body to kiss my stomach. His fingers brush my sides, and everywhere he touches tingles and stings like being shocked. Suddenly his fingers pull away and he takes hold of my tie, pulling me off the bed. His fingers stumble to undo the knot and pull the tie away. He starts to go down the buttons of my shirt and I can tell he is getting impatient -- he unbuttons only a few before yanking the shirt off over my head. Cool air stings the sweat on my skin. He dives in to kiss the base of my neck and my collarbone. My hands stray to his tie, and I start to give him the same treatment, regretting interrupting him to pull off the vest and shirt. I get one glance of his chest before he pushes me back down against the bed, my head settling on the pillow. His fingers tickle my sides, and my back arches off the bed. He kisses my chest, and brushes a nipple with his lips. It tickles, but feels good at the same time -- I can't help the moan that escapes my lips, and I curl my hands around his back, pulling him closer to press his body against mine. He becomes somewhat frantic at the sound, and his hands dip around behind my back to the base of my spine.

His fingers trail around the edge of my boxers, and I feel my stomach clench as he flips the button on my pants and pulls on the zipper in one smooth motion. I have to push my hips off the bed so he can tug down on the pants, and I try not to kick him in my eagerness to get that oppressive garment off. The pants catch on my boxers and those are pulled off as well, and Axel nudges them aside. For a moment I am startled to see myself from this point of view. I feel an odd sort of disconnect as I cross my legs, because I know this is not _me --_ this is not what I'm supposed to look like. I can hear the ringing in my ears again and I struggle to stay present, to stay focused on Axel above me and not what is or isn't between my legs. Axel, at least, doesn't seem to notice -- the sight of me has gotten him excited again, and his knee draws up to wedge between my legs, coaxing them open. His lips descend on mine again, and the confused thoughts flutter away for the moment as I become lost in the taste and scent of him.

I can feel myself swelling, and I move my hips against Axel's leg, longing for any sort of friction. The pressure brings a rush of pleasure, and I pull Axel down to lean his weight against me. Every inch of my body is longing for him, to be touched by him. I'm completely overwhelmed. I want to move everything and do everything at once. I never thought touch could be this intense, that anything could ever feel this good. Axel's hands seize my hips and pin them down, and he strokes me with a finger. I was wrong -- there are things that feel even better. I arc off the bed, stretching, and I can't help but moan as he strokes me up and down, and I get harder.

His other hand strays along my hip and dips under me. I feel his fingers toy with an area that makes me flinch -- it feels wrong, but I don't want him to stop touching me, so I relax. He pulls his fingers away and kisses me, then sucks on his fingers. I forget myself for a moment and wonder what he's doing, but his hand returns to my hips and I feel his fingers, slick with spit, poke at my entrance. It's both disgusting and alluring at the same time, and I clutch onto his back as he slips a finger inside. He starts to move his finger around in small circles, and it stings a little as my skin tries to stretch around him. He slips another finger in and I flinch, whimpering. Axel kisses my shoulders, trying to distract me as his fingers roam a little deeper, searching for something. It's a tight, uncomfortable feeling, and I am just thinking that I want him out when his fingertips brush a spot inside me. I gasp and jerk against him, surprised at the intensity of that touch. It's not quite pain -- I can't think of how to describe it, my thoughts are a complete mess at this point, but it feels almost as nice as his strokes did.

Suddenly he pulls his fingers away, and I feel a rush of cool air as he leans away from me. The bed shifts as he gets up and walks out of the room. The air prickles along my skin and I feel cold and foggy. Before I can figure out where he went, I hear the mattress creak and shift as he climbs back on top of me. Something cold trickles against my leg, and I catch a soft, flowery scent -- lotion. He takes my legs and pushes them up so that I am straddling his hips, and I feel him pressing against my thighs. He positions himself against me, and I feel him start to push himself inside me.

There is a rush of pain as my body stretches too fast to try and accommodate him. I hiss and instinctively try to pull away, but he clutches my hips closer to him to slide further inside. It's nothing like his fingers -- it is so tight and full, and the cold lotion prickles and burns. I squirm, groaning, trying to take my mind off of the pain and focus on him. He takes in the look on my face and starts to stroke me again. The rush of pleasure at that touch distracts me, and I relax. Axel's hips move ever so slightly back and forth. I can feel his pulse mingling with mine. He brushes that spot inside of me a little bit with each movement, and I keen my hips, longing to feel more. It's not enough. He starts to move a little faster, in and out, in and out, pressing a little harder. My back strains as I cling to his shoulders, trying to hold myself up as my muscles shake and grow tight. I'm getting so hard it almost hurts, and the discordant rhythm of his strokes and thrusts are starting to come together.

"Ahh-- Axel-- I--" I try to choke out, but the words are lost in a moan as he thrusts harder against that spot. He brushes his lips against mine, and I gasp for air. I can hear him panting and groaning too as we build up together. The muscles in my thighs are straining, and Axel is flexing inside of me.

All of my muscles are burning -- I can't think, can't see anything but red -- the bed is creaking as Axel moves harder and faster, and I can't even feel the pain anymore, I just want him, more of him, all of him -- my back stiffens as a spasm wracks my abdomen, and something trickles out. "Ah-- _Ahh!_ " He thrusts hard, and I feel myself clench, and pleasure hits me so intensely I almost black out. I cry and come, hard, against Axel's chest. He grunts and gives a small, strangled cry as he flexes and I feel a burst of something wet inside of me. Dazed, I slump back against the sheets as he collapses beside me. My muscles are still twitching rhythmically, and I can feel the heat of my blood rushing through me, drained. I'm in such a fog I barely notice the sting of pain as Axel pulls out of me. Both of us are panting, and for a while I just lie there and listen to our breaths until they become calm and quiet, and I can breathe cool air again.

I feel a cloud settle over me, and I have to fight to keep my eyes open. I turn on my side to face Axel. His eyes are closed. I reach a trembling hand to touch his face, and he stirs.

"Axel?" I whisper. I don't know why I feel like I need to whisper, but it's so quiet now, I can't bring myself to speak louder. Over Axel's shoulder, snow has started to fall, and it scratches faintly against the windowpane. Axel's eyes blink open, and he squints as he focuses on me. "Was I... anything like her?"

He blinks quizzically at me, and shakes his head. He must catch the look of disappointment on my face because he chuckles. "Well, you are... kind of girly," he admits.

"Really? How?"

Axel bites his lips and looks away searchingly. "Uh... well... you like to kiss a lot. And you're really sensitive." As if to illustrate, he brushes my side with a finger. I giggle and he laughs. "And you sound like a girl."

Happiness swells in my chest and warms my cheeks, and I curl up closer to him, so I can hear the soft whistle of his breath in his nose. A question pops into my mind, and escapes my lips before I can think twice about it. "Axel... why do you like me?"

There's a pause as Axel is hit with this. "Uh... well..." He scratches his head and takes a deep breath. "When I met you that day, in detention... I'd never met anyone who I couldn't affect in any way. No matter what I did, you'd just ignore me, or give me this blank stare. At first it was really irritating. But I guess I started to realize that... more than I wanted you to see you get angry or defensive... I really wanted to see you smile, just once. Like this." He pokes my cheeks and I smile wider. He laughs. "Man, now _I_ sound like a chick. Don't tell anyone, okay?"

I nod and bury my head against his chest. I'm starting to drift away -- I can barely hear him breathe anymore. As I fade, and I start to fall into a haze of black, I wonder if I was able to make him see me the way I saw him. And the question I really want to ask is too far now to reach as I slip away.

 

Axel... if I told you I wasn't Roxas... what would you say?

 

* * *

The first thing to come back is my sight. My eyes flutter open, and I'm staring up at a dark ceiling, a deep evening blue. I turn my head to glance out the window, but it's pitch black. Questions start to form in my mind like figures in a fog. Where am I? My room? How did I get here? Why am I lying down?

The next thing to come back is touch, and I can feel the softness of cool sheets on my bare skin. There's a draft of cold air radiating from the window, and I shiver, pulling the sheets tighter around me. Vaguely I wonder why I'm naked, but the sheets feel so nice... I want to go back to sleep, and I wonder what woke me up...

I bury my face in the pillow, and a variety of scents drift into my nose. Mint, lavender, and an unfamiliar, acrid stench I can't place, mixed with the stale musk of sweat. There's a dull, bitter taste in my mouth. I lift my head off of the pillow, and the strong scent of soap fills the air.

At the same time I suddenly realize that I can hear bare feet against the hardwood floor behind me, and the huff of someone breathing. I crane my head to look behind me and have to squint to make out the figure of the person standing there in the dark. I recognize the tall, thin frame, and the mess of red hair instantly -- Axel. He's struggling to fasten the button on his pants in the dark, and I can see water gleaming off of his bare chest. He looks up and catches my eyes staring back at him in the dark, and for a long moment, we just stare at each other.

Shock hits me like a slap across the face and I scream.

Axel stumbles backwards, crashing into the chair. He claps a hand over one ear and fumbles for the switch to the desk lamp with the other. The burst of light startles me and I clench my eyes shut. I scramble to sit up and pain rips up my spine, and I scream again.

"Roxas?" I hear Axel say tentatively, once my scream has stopped ringing against the walls.

I blink, squinting, trying to adjust to the light and the burning, shooting pain in my back and legs. Questions are piling up in my mind like cars in a train wreck. "Axel?! What are you doing here?"

"Huh?! What are you talking about? You invited me!" The mattress creaks and leans as he sits at the foot of the bed in front of me. I try to push myself away from him, against the headboard, and I'm assaulted with a fresh wave of pain. "Stop squirming around so much, you'll hurt yourself!" Axel snaps, irritated. He leans forward and seizes my legs through the sheets.

I don't care about the pain -- I kick and thrash. "What happened? What did you... what did you do?!"

Axel blinks at me, stunned. "What do you mean, what did I do? Who was the one who practically jumped me on the sidewalk?!" he cries back defensively.

I'm breathing so hard I'm shaking. I haven't been this upset since I can remember, and the rush of emotions is overwhelming and frightening. There's something cold on my cheeks, and I realize I'm crying -- actually _crying_. I can't believe she would do this. I can't believe she would hurt me again, much less hurt me like _this_. This is _my_ body! I... I can't believe... " _Why... why would she..._ " I mutter, trying to wipe the tears off my face, which seem to just keep flowing.

Axel is looking at me with a concerned, confused expression I've never seen. "Are you okay? Does it hurt that bad? You're kind of freaking me out," he says. He sways a little, as if trying to decide if he wants to get closer or not. "It's like... like you're a different person or something."

I can't keep up with the tears now at all, and I feel something swell up in my chest. "Get out! _Out!_ " I bellow. When he doesn't move I push myself away from the headboard and start to hit any part of him within reach. I can't control myself. " _GET OUT!_ "

Axel jumps up and backs away. He's staring at me, frowning in a mixture of frustration and hurt. I don't care, can't care what he thinks. He grabs his shirt, vest, and tie off the floor and put them on. I can see his hands trembling, and he gives up on trying to put on the tie and just drapes it around his neck. I pull my knees against my chest and just stare at him as he grabs his bag out of the corner and hoists the strap onto his shoulder. He walks towards the door and hesitates, turning back to glance at me. I look away. There's a pause, and I hear him sigh, and the sound of his feet across the hall and thudding down the stairs. Faintly I hear the click of a lock and the yawn and slam of a door opening and closing, and then all I can hear is my own, snuffling breathing.

I reach to turn off the light, my hand shaking so hard I have to make a few passes before I can find the button to plunge the room back into darkness. I slide, gingerly, back down to rest my head on the pillow, the pain now just a dull ache. I stare up at the ceiling. Something dark moves above me, and I see a gleam of blue -- Xion's eyes. She's leaning over me, gazing down into my eyes.

I want to sit up, but I remember what happened last time and force myself to lie still. Looking at her, I'm starting to understand what it means to feel truly angry -- and what it means to feel so hurt that all I want to do is just lay there and never think again. All my thoughts have lost their importance, and I can't even bring myself to ask the one overarching question repeating like a broken record in my mind -- _why?_

" _Roxas_ ," she says, and the sound is such a faint whisper I can't tell if she said it or if I just thought it. " _How is it? To feel?_ "

Downstairs I can hear the jingle of keys, and the creak of the front door opening. For a second I think it might be Axel, and my breath catches in my chest -- but I hear a familiar grumbling as someone slams and locks the door and starts to move noisily around the house. Footsteps jog up the stairs and pause in front of the open door to my room.

"Roxas?" a voice calls -- Sora. "Hey, are you listening? You left the door unlocked." I turn towards the window and say nothing. "Why are you sitting here in the dark, anyway? Isn't it kinda early to go to bed?" I focus on the darkness on the other side of the window, and I hear him making an annoyed clicking sound with his tongue. "God, forget it! You are such a _freak!_ " he snaps and turns away. I hear his feet stomping as he goes to his room and slams the door.

It's the sort of thing he always says and it never affects me, but this time I feel tightness in my chest, and I can't understand why.

 

I can't help but feel like everything is going to be different now.


End file.
